To Say, or Not to Say- Is This the Question??????
What do you say when a child, a friend, a loved one dies? Words seem so inadequate – we are often literally speechless. After all what’s the point, we can’t say or do anything to help or can we?
What do you say when a child, a friend, a loved one dies? Words seem so inadequate – we are often literally speechless. After all what’s the point, we can’t say or do anything to help or can we?
DO listen, listen, listen. Remember every grief needs at least a thousand tellings or more.
DO read an article or go online and get some information about grief to help you better understand what your friend is going through.
DO say the name of the child or person who died out loud – the grieving often find it comforting to hear and say the name of their loved one aloud and know that they are remembered and missed.
DO be patient. Grief has no timeline – respect each person’s journey
DO let the person guide you. For example, “I have such a wonderful memory of (person’s name). Would you like me to share it now or another time?”
DO become informed about your friend’s cultural and/or ethnic beliefs, rituals, customs related to death and bereavement, so that you are better able to provide appropriate support.
DO reminisce and share stories and memories
DO remember that grief is a process. We visit and revisit the thoughts, emotions over an extended period of time. We never get over grief. We are forever changed by the death (or by the loss).
DO stay away from “should’s” —- for example “You should go out more, try to eat more or less, go to church more, read this book, come over for lunch, etc.
DON’T avoid those who are grieving. It is important to them and to you that you express your empathy and sympathy rather than simply doing nothing out of your own distress and discomfort.
DON’T be afraid of silence. The ability to jbe present and quiet with your friend can provide comfort.
DON’T say “I understand” or “I understand how you feel.” This tends to shut the person down. Encourage conversation instead. We understand our own grief journey and by listening we will understand another’s.
DON’T let the fear of saying the wrong thing stop you from supporting your friend.
DON’T say “You shouldn’t feel that way.” We sometimes say this when a person talks about guilt or anger. Remember it is important to listen even though it may not make sense to you.
DON’T say “Put it behind you” or “It’s time to get on with your life.” This is easier said than done. Your friend may wish that they could return to life before the loss, yet it takes time to heal.
DON’T try to fix the pain. It is hard to be with someone in grief and so we have a tendency to want to fix it, take it away, freeze up, or be frightened of their big feelings. You will be offering your friend a huge heart gift by listening without judgment or attempting to fix their pain.
NEVER say “You can always have another child” or “It’s so good that you have other children.” Each child’s life is their own unique lifetime, one worth remembering, honoring and celebrating.
Contributed by Debra Houston, LMFT, Children & Youth Grief Support Program Coordinator, Hospice Caring Project and Loretta J. Ferris, MFT, Family Services Director, Jacob’s Heart Children’s Cancer Association